"What I know is that I don’t know,
And now I dance, I sing, and I live full
I give it all to the call of the unknown, (I hope)
What I say, is that I don’t Say
And now I rest no stress in the holy name
All fears and my tears, I give it all away
I play like a child of the earth” – TH
Leo has moved out of retrograde, and I am told mercury is transiting through my 12th solar house. What does that mean? With all that it has been almost one year since I landed here in Guatemala! The time continues to move fast, and I know I will soon look up and all this will become a memory. Although it is difficult to describe this experience, one can sure continue to try. So here it goes....
My inner world is rich, I have been through the trials and tribulations. I have felt joy, sadness, despair, dreamt, love, disappointment and what feels like a trip to the moon and back. I have aspired, stared discomfort in the face, succeeded in some endeavors, failed in others andwill continue to fail, time and time again. I speak more Spanish than when arrived in country, however the struggle to gain fluency still continues. I have made friends with community leaders, my host family. The calls home get shorter and further apart. My friends back home or spread apart and all over the country but still feel their presence beside me and within me.
Trying to make sense of the old world and this new one, is one the mind cannot even begin to fathom because they are both very different. How do I take this new world and begin to make it apart of me? The scholar in me desperately seeks to combine with this practical fieldworker working with youth. Sometimes I struggle to find the meaning of it all and begin to wonder am I really making a difference at all? But then I rest assured that there is beauty found in the little joys and pleasures of life. You don’t always have to be doing something and it is okay to "to be."
There is a three year old boy in my house. He my friend, and growing a familiarity with. He is growing curiosity and constantly exploring.
My Bestfriend... Jon D.
He says the darnest things and makes me laugh. He makes my day. And dances to techno (Marshmello) with me.
I strive and continue to “do the work” as difficult as it may be at times. Some days I feel, I can do it all and other times can barely walk outside without feeling overwhelmed. But also I realize that is part of the journey, so I continue to experience this world and who is Tatiana? I realize it’s okay to not know, take the good with the bad but learning to appreciate all of it. Because without the darkness there is no light.